About Those Cheesy 80s Hair Bands

Kuff makes note of my turn on the Hair Balls blogger roundup tour and states: "They should have asked him more questions about cheesy 80s hair bands, but you can't have everything."

I'm not sure what possible questioning there could be. The era of hard rock as witnessed in the 80s is simply the best musical artform ever. But just to satisfy the demand on this topic, here's a brief rundown of this writer's musical preference over time:

1978 ... Mom & Dad finally cave and get me a new stereo. I suddenly discover the need to hit the record store and get some LPs to play. Fortunately, Christmas also arrived with fresh copies of Nick Gilder's "City Nights" and Bonnie Tyler's "It's A Heartache." To date, both are among my favorites. Particularly Gilder ... I can put on the re-released CD and listen to it all the way through without it feeling the least bit dated.

1979ish ... Various influences evolve. The local radio station in Indianola/Sunflower, MS is WNLA. Back then, it played a mix of popular music - what I like to call the Donnie & Marie mix, a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. For some reason, I remember a whole lot of Anne Murray songs. Whenever mom drove us kids around, it usually involved a lot of Gatlin Brothers on the 8-track player. Be happy that none of that stuck with me.

I remember begging Mom & Dad to stop at Peaches records every time that one was passed. For some reason, I also remember we visited a music store in Jackson, MS where I saw what looked like a hundred Les Paul guitars hanging from the racks. Right then and there, I registered my first request for a guitar. Mom said no. Child abuse if there ever was such a thing.

1980ish ... new wave. Take one look at Debbie Harry from this era and tell me how you can't be a fan? TBS's "Friday Night Videos" and the nascent MTV would aid and abet this interest. I remember really being into Men at Work around this time, as well as loving Synchronicity by The Police. The Ramones are critical to this period of time, too. Blame Roger Corman for that. Later in this era, I remember being big into Missing Persons. Take one look at Dale Bozzio from this era and tell me how you can't be a fan? Turns out that the band's guitarist, Warren Cuccurullo is a fantastic guitarist. I don't doubt that that had an impact on what was next.

1983 ... the US Festival. New Wave day was fun, but Heavy Metal day was better. The lesson from this show was that it's one thing to make a nice video, but it's something else entirely to put on a stage performance that's just as entertaining and has to be replicated night in, night out. The gap between bands like The Police and Quiet Riot was filled in with listening to a lot of my brother's Billy Squier, Sammy Hagar and April Wine albums as well as a natural interest in the music of Queen and Cheap Trick. After watching the video Van Halen had for Unchained, I determined to get a guitar at some point. To date, it's still one of my favorite songs to break in a guitar with on those rare moments when I pick mine up. I also believe that it's songs like that that deserve a volume knob that goes up to 11.

Interregnum ... I remember a lot of Six Flags Arlington concerts from this period. Cheap Trick was the first and Heart was somewhere in this mix, I think.

1984 ... first arena concert I went to that didn't involve me being dragged against my will. Sammy Hagar, with Krokus opening up. I loved both acts and still do. No apologies. I was so mesmerized that I ended up missing the exit back to Euless and had to call mom from somewhere in Denton for gas to get back home. I remember passing up a $15 ticket to see Ratt & Twisted Sister at the Bronco Bowl. Been kicking myself every day since.

Bought a guitar around this time, picked up a copy of Ozzy Osbourne's "Blizzard of Oz" and studied it relentlessly. Got wind of the neoclassical guitar fad and bought a lot of Deep Purple material. The solo from "Highway Star" was the first one I ever learned. Eventually learned enough of the solo to Ozzy's "Crazy Train" to fudge my way through it. Went through the usual back catalog of guitar greats to figure out what style I enjoyed the most. Determined I was more of a Jeff Beck fan than, say Clapton or Hendrix.

Interregnum ... Yngwie Malmsteen. The neoclassical style would dominate my musical attention for the rest of the decade. Also met Diamond Darrell from Pantera around this time and worked with a few of his high school classmates. Just wish I'd had the chance to see them perform live just once in their glam era. Thank goodness for YouTube!

1985/86 ... a couple of false starts at putting a garage band together. Biggest audience was for a party on the eve of the 1986 Texas Jam. I remember playing Dokken tunes for some reason. For all I know, we probably played "Alone Again" a dozen times. We were not good, the audience was forgiving, and yours truly learns when you put a guitar in anyone's hands, they immediately become a lot more attractive to members of the opposite sex.

The earlier influences still linger. Jason and the Scorchers are a nice combination of several of them in one band. Similarly, John Cougar, Tom Petty are in heavy rotation. The Fixx seems like the only new wave band to survive this era. Helps to have a first-rate guitarist in the band.

College years ... pretty much the start of my decline in playing. Just didn't have the time. Being a music snob was a lot easier. The family moved back to Houston around this time, too. I remember having an offer to join a band while meeting a high school friend at the gas station we hit as we were on our way to Houston. Timing for ya!

Somehow, some way, Tiffany also made it onto my radar. Not because of the insanely cheesy videos or marketing, but probably just due to the fact that she was a redhead. Maybe it's just coincidental, but I also remember realizing that Kimmy Gibbler sure did grow up on TV around this time. They just don't make TV characters like that anymore and it's high time for an Andrea Barber comeback if you ask me. Really has nothing to do with music ... just an excuse to work in another Kimmy Gibbler mention.

The Houston Years, early edition ... became a born-again Christian around this time, so there was a great deal of Christian heavy metal added to the collection. Stryper and White Cross were favorites, but I can't admit to wanting to play a lot of their material. I was probably headed more into the instrumental stuff at this point and buying every CD from Shrapnel records. At some point, I got Steve Vai's "Flex-able" and realized I couldn't play anything off of it if I wanted to. By the time I spun Joe Satriani's "Not of This Earth" and "Surfing With the Alien," I realized there's nothing I could even think to say musically that wasn't being said right there. At this point, I start looking into plans to convert my guitar into a coffee table.

The Early 90s ... Grunge has two effects - one, to make it harder for bands I like to get an album on the market; two, to send them touring through smaller clubs rather than arenas. Quiet Riot was the first band I saw at (then) Backstage. Nearly got into a fight with a biker and loved the place ever since. Tried to get into the local acts at the time (Stride, Z-Lot-Z, Midnight Circus), but it was a stretch to really be a full-fledged fan. I remember when Britny Fox came to town multiple times after replacing their singer and putting out what was really their best CD ever. They played a few different clubs that I recall and the crowds weren't always that great. But they played the show with the same level of energy you'd imagine that they'd play for in front of 15,000. I was never a big Britny Fox fan back in the day. But at this point, I determine that the worst glam metal band is a better show than any other band. I'm rarely disappointed in this conclusion.

The Late 90s ... harder and harder to find music I liked, plus I had a crush on Trisha Yearwood. So there's some country in the catalog thanks to this era. Mostly just female vocalists and nearly all of it music that would have passed for rock back in the 70s. I remember being big into Trisha and Martina McBride, but I ended up stumbling onto Joy Lynn White from this period of time, and my interest in Carrie Underwood is probably an offshoot of it as well.

Whenever it was that The Donnas saved Rock & Roll ... I remember strolling through Borders on Westheimer/Gessner and seeing the cover of The Donnas' "Get Skintight." The obvious homage to The Ramones was not lost on me, so I spun it. About three chords into the first track, I'm seen running to the register with my newfound punk bounty and go on to uncover a lot of punk stuff that sounds remarkably similar to early-80s hard rock.