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Movie Review: Psycho From Texas

Continuing to find new levels of badness, the Alamo Drafthouse has now carved out one new foxhole in the wartorn landscape of B-movie afficianados. Nothing new about hixploitation, but let's review a few stereotypes that you'd expect to see in that genre:

  • car chases
  • hillbillies
  • guns

    OK, hillbillies aren't hard to come by, and give this stench of a movie the classification it warrants. The lead character is from Maine ... the "main" part of Texas, we learn. After a few yucks over that bit of hilarity, here's what we get:

  • a footrace that lasts what seems like an eternity. No cars ... apparently the budget wouldn't allow for it. So we have a kidnapper chasing his fleeing prey through the backwoods of El Dorado, Arkansas (nevermind the inconsistency ... the film was shot in Arkansas and Louisiana). They'd show some chase footage, cut to the other kidnapper working the ransom angle, and then go back to the chase for an hour or two ... and repeat. After the first 5 hours of the worst footrace on earth, I was tempted to hurl my shoe at the screen.

  • I mentioned a kidnapping. Yes indeed. As the scene unfolds, the "psycho" in question holds up his prey not with a gun ... but a knife. And truth be told, its not exactly the most threatening knife in the world. Sure it could kill, but in Texas, we have these things called guns ... lots of em, too. I suspect that were a true psycho to carjack the wealthiest man in town, the old coot would have pulled a shotgun off the rack of his truck and blown his brains out. Then again, had that happened here, the movie would have lasted about 15 minutes.

    There's a touching scene where the psycho procures some chicken and does what any right thinking psycho would do ... head to the local bar for a drink. After asking the barmaid to dance, the psycho goes ... well ... psycho after being rejected by this backwoods cutie. Upon going psycho, he offs the only other person in the bar with a ketchup bottle and makes the now nude barmaid dance to some old country tunes. Then he pours a pitcher of beer over her. I've mentioned she's kinda hot, right? Well rather than do anything untowards to this woman, the psycho tells her to *ahem* mount the guy he just killed with a ketchup bottle. He's fully clothed, mind you. But still, its weird. The cutie in question is played by Linnea Quigley. If that name rings a bell, as it damn well should, she's the mom who gets killed by Santa in Silent Night, Deadly Night. In both movies, her best attributes are left to occupy the screen and thrill the audience.

    Overall the movie was poorly executed on way too many levels. Worth the asking price of "free?" You bet it was. Oh, and the customized Italian Burger rocked once again.

    • Posted by gregwythe on December 4, 2003 02:07 PM

    Comments

    In all justice, the theater should have paid all customers $20 to make it halfway through.

    Posted by: Pete/ | December 5, 2003 02:38 PM

    This seems like an appropriate place to plug the upcoming Ubermas movie hellathon. This semi-traditional gathering is something for which you'll get an invite if one of us is trying to off you via slowly-induced insanity, cleverly disguised as attendance at a comedy production viewing night. Greg has suggested that I look up "Corpse Grinders" from the work of the indescribable Ted Mikels. I agree that Mikels reeks, but have concluded after a small amount of research that CG (either 1 or 2) are simply TOO GOOD.

    I have therefore taken matters into my own hands.

    In addition to the selections I already own and have threatened to bring (Ilsa 1 and B.O.B. 1 - yes, there IS a two!!), I am ordering VIA SECOND DAY AIR SHIPPING the Mikels magnum opus (if he has one)...

    THE WORM EATERS
    (Herb Robins, Fred C. Dobbs 1977)

    Posted by: Pete/ | December 8, 2003 03:14 PM

    You are a genius, Pete!

    ... that, or a really sick, mofo. I forget which.

    Posted by: Greg Wythe | December 8, 2003 04:27 PM

    I'd be the latter by association. Mainly on Wednesday nights.

    Posted by: Pete/ | December 8, 2003 05:27 PM