Bad Movies - For the Diehards
OK, Pete at Perfectly Cromulent has laid down some ground rules for his conceptualization of a listing of movies that really suck. However, I don't like it. The reason is in the rules ... one of which is that it must "aspire to goodness." He also wants those that have made it into wide release.
I can't stress enough that this is a recipe for a rather lame listing. But yet, it seems like every list also has Manos, Hands of Fate when that movie does not qualify (it was, however, a great MST2K release). The operating budget for the movie was all of $19,000. I'm going out on a hunch here and saying that they weren't after any award hardware on that one.
Be that as it may, several readers here are, like me, afficianados of the B-movie rankings. As such, I think we collectively take a back seat to nobody in our ability to slap together a listing of movies that few have seen, and most should be thankful for that. There's a certain level of appreciation for witnessing the work of those who strive to learn the art of making a movie and fail so miserably. I don't put a lot of rules up for my own criteria, but here's a gold standard to go by ... if the movie released killed a career, that says something.
On with the show ...
Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1974) - we can thank our very own Pete (v 1.0) for introducing this schlock our way. Imagine, if you will, a house full of partygoers so used to seeing the worst Fangoria-inspired effects and yet so utterly outraged over what they saw in this movie. This will either make you or break you, my friend! If you survive, you'll literally demand to see the entire trilogy. But be warned. The second flick is a slow crawl through the mundane, while the third is somewhere inbetween. The original has all you could ever hope for to twist your brain beyond recognition.
Island of Death (1976) - Two words: goat sex. And if that wasn't enough, try these on for size: necrophilia, homosexual necrophilia, incest, and an amusing death at the mercy of earthmoving equipment. I can't say enough good things about this movie. The first 20 minutes will warp you, then you get a respite for about an hour, and then the final 10-15 minutes will warp you some more. Its all good.
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987) - OK, so the first two were a bit cruel to expose you to. This one is far lighter in tone, and yet so utterly laughable that you won't know why exactly you're crying. This was the inaugural Weird Wednesday showing at the Houston Alamo, and quite frankly, I can't think of a better show to run for that purpose.
The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (1979) - Kareem Abdul Jabaar, Dr. J, Meadowlark Lemon ... and Stockard Channing. How can you go wrong, I ask?
How to Beat the High Co$t of Living (1980) - This one might actually aspite to Pete's (v 2.0) standards. The movie is not all that shabby, and there's some star power in it (Jane Curtin, Susan St. James, Jessica Lange, Fred Willard), and (hold your hat) ... its finally on DVD! Its not bad for the sake of being bad ... its actually pretty lighthearted stuff. But it now qualifies as campy, and for that it warrants listing.
Elves (1990) - Back to the hardcore. Dan Haggerty as Santa. Need I say more? OK ... how about Nazi elves??? In fairness, I've not seen this one, yet it sits atop my list of freak-out movies to one day procure.
Burial Ground (1980) - Perhaps the funniest zombie movie ever. Oh, and the creepy 30 yr old midget that plays the son is ... well ... creepy. Give it a viewing and you'll see what I mean.
Rock & Roll High School Forever (1990) - This stands as the ultimate testament to why sequels should never be done. Going from The Ramones to Corey Feldman, though? Only the most brilliant casting move ever! Back to reality, the orginal flick is required viewing for Roger Corman fans ... over and over and over and over. Joey Lives!
and of course ....
The Apple (1980) - There can be only one! Reviews and commentary are found on earlier listings here and here. They should have stopped making movies after this one (or better yet, just before making this one).
Honorable Mention: Street Trash (1987) - The term "weiner toss" will never be the same after viewing this. Review is here, soul and dignity are obviously elsewhere.
And if you allow for the Made-for-TV genre, there are only two contenders:
(Credit Kuff for reminding me of this project)
ADD-ON: ACK! I almost forgot one of my alltime faves:
Comments
This posting is an important milestone in the evolution of gregsopinion.com. A site normally devoted to political theoretics hereby takes a dip into aesthetic wells largely untapped by polite society.
It's noted that the Alamo programming now provides Wednesday excursions into almost totally unknown territory, providing new material for comment. But the post addresses the giants (or pygmies) of the genre that keep coming up no matter what. The big picture must be considered.
Random musings on the continuing examination: the term B-movie may be a bit much for what's being discussed. After all, CASABLANCA was a B-funded project that made good. Maybe a letter further down the list... Also, it's good that the infamous Star Wars special is mentioned. I think that sometime in the early 80's, I saw it while flipping channels and kept going after 5-10 seconds; it didn't look promising. Finally, I question the authenticity of the goat sex in ISLAND OF DEATH. But that leaves open the question of exactly why the guy was picking up the goat in the first place. IOD does belong on the list at any rate, due to the chinese-water-torture experience of seeing it at all. Lots of dated duds are interesting if only for location and time period references (like in PSYCHO FROM TEXAS) but truly angering screen futility is in IOD in amounts few other films (outside east coast art houses) can muster.
Other sumps to mine: Pre-1978 Disney, anything from Europe, future collections of cult film links anybody finds or compiles (a few of us have begun in that direction).
Posted by: Pete/ | December 4, 2003 12:21 PM
I myself also prefer the bad movies that are cheesy, but do aspire to be normal. Just a few from the Most Hated list: American Anthem, the thoroughly despicable Road House, and from TV: Sooner or Later
Posted by: Ulysses | December 4, 2003 04:58 PM
Morey Amsterdam as a guitar teacher??? How can that fail to amuse???
Posted by: Greg Wythe | December 5, 2003 08:38 AM
Different strokes, I guess. If I wanted to include anything and everything from the world of cinema, my 10 worst could easily come from the movies I've reviewed in the last year. Narrowing it down was essential, and besides, a list of movies that 80% of the planet has never seen is pretty meaningless.
Posted by: Pete | December 5, 2003 11:00 AM
Perhaps I misunderstood the direction of the post; here's some specific suggestions as to what to add to the growing list (including some obvious traditional faves):
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
Robot Monster
Glen Or Glenda?
The Christine Jorgensen Story
The Diane Linkletter Story
PLUS here's a list of things I have yet to witness in judgment:
Skidoo!
Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Hummpe And Find TRUE HAPPINESS?
Jail Bait
It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time
Spice World
Glitter
Shanghai Surprise
Posted by: Pete/ | December 8, 2003 10:44 AM