GregsOpinion.com

If there are any two words that sell a movie better than "Satan's Cheerleaders" I'd like to know what they are. That such a deep meaningful take on society's oppression of cheerleading squads by the satanic forces of rural California authority figures can be distilled into two simple words that convey the richness and complexity contained in this movie is a feat that I suspect many of us will look back on in awe when it all starts to sink in.

For now, let's get on with the show, shall we?

This one's simple, really (I know, you're shocked!) ... a band of horny cheerleaders is accompanied by a band of even hornier football players in a high school where a loner of a janitor simply wishes to be left alone as he does his job and spies on the cheerleaders in the shower. Since all the kids pick on the janitor (imagine Captain Kangaroo in a rhinestone shirt!), the janitor does what I think any normal person would do ... turn to the local satanic cult and ask for a hex to be put on anyone that mocks him (a request met with laughter among theater patrons).

There's some pointless drama and tension thrown in for reasons that elude me. Quite frankly, they get in the way of the gratuitous nudity and T&A scenes that make this movie worth the price of admission (which was free, but that's beside the point). The water balloon fight, to me, makes this movie the classic that it is.

As the cheerleaders prepare for the big game, they pile into the ditzy cheer coach's station wagon and head out to ... wherever. The evil janitor is somewhere behind them, muttering some satanic curse or another in the hopes that the station wagon skids off the road. We get a close call when said station wagon does a harrowing 180-degree turn on the side of a road. And by harrowing, I mean boring. The special effects budget for this movie had to have been eclipsed by the rhinestone budget that the evil janitor likely demanded ... or perhaps the 2,467 takes the producer demanded of the water balloon fight. Take your pick.

When the cheerleaders are stranded on the road after that near death spin, they hitch the rest of the way ... something that I know has long been a personal dream of mine: picking up five hot, scantily clad chicks on the side of the road. This simply doesn't happen enough, and I blame the Warren Court.

The person who does pick them up is the evil janitor. Once piled in the truck, he carts them off to some evil hiding place, wherein the truck is taken over temporarily by satanic forces and led to ... pretty much where the janitor was going to take them anyway. Yeah, kinda silly.

Once there, the cheerleader with the most spaced out look gets even spacier and strips, laying down on some platform in front of a wooden goat head. From there, I think some sort of satanic sex scene takes place. It was nothing like Rosemary's Baby, that's for sure. But the janitor thinks this is his time to make a move, so he proceeds to hop on the platform for a few minutes of fun ... only to be cast aside by an incredibly selfish satan. Who knew satan didn't like threesomes? Anyways, the janitor dies.

Once satan has done his dirty work, the cheerleaders seek out the local sheriff. Instead, they run into one of the Carradine brothers (hell, it coulda been his dad for all I know) portraying the role of a lifetime: Bum! The bum directs them (eventually) to the local sheriff. The directions are a riot: drive straight till you see a big sign that says "SHERIFF!" Things were sure simpler back then.

Now it gets good. The sheriff's name is B.L. Bubb. No, I kid you not ... that's the name this high class movie gives the sheriff. Of course, we recognize the sheriff as one of the satanic cultists that aided our friend the janitor earlier. Somewhere in this part of the movie, Mrs. Bubb enters, and I can't help but think that Beelzebub - God as my witness, sure would seem to have a hotter wife than the frumpy old bitty playing the role here.

The sheriff hauls out to fetch the janitor, bringing him back to life. The Missus stays with the hot babes to comfort them, although she stares at the spaced out one that just did it with Satan an awful lot. When the sheriff returns, he plots with the missus to have the babes killed, and the blood of a virgin sacrificed. The thinking is that surely one of the cheerleaders is a virgin. I think we all see where the wheels come off on this movie now.

The cheerleaders get wind of the plot and seek to leave the premises. The sheriff stumbles onto the teacher as she dangles from the roof in her efforts to flee. Maybe it was the loud kicking of the side of the house that she engages in that tipped him off. I dunno. In his anger, the sheriff rapes the teacher.

OK, so the babes are rounded up again, they escape again, then their caught again. The plot twists involved in all of this are simply tooooo complex for me to impart upon simple human minds. Key among this is that Mrs. Bubb is making satanic chants to bring the babes to their demise, and then the spaced out chick does the same towards the end. So satan has to make a critical choice: the fumpy old bitty or the hot cheerleader who put out for him about an hour ago without saying a word. I think we ALL know which way Satan went on this battle. There's also a HILARIOUS scene where the cheerleaders are making an escape and they hear a noise in the bushes and think it's the posse out to get them. But, instead, its nature's most lovable creature: a goat. I'll admit, I thought I knew where this movie was going when the goat strolled in, but alas, it was just a cameo appearance. Those who fear movies involving goat sex can rest assured there is none in this movie, unless you count the wooden goat head that seemingly serves as Satan in this movie.

In the final showdown, the sheriff asks which of the cheerleaders is a virgin, bringing them one by one to the same table the spaced out chick did it on. One by one, we learn that (SHOCK!) none of them are virgins. When the spaced out chick confronts the sheriff, she points out that the one among them who WAS still a virgin was spoiled by the sheriff himself, and for that he must die. Yes, the teacher was a virgin. Credit to Uber for calling that shot early on.

The "happily ever after" part is when we see that the spaced out cheerleader still has the power of Satan and she cures an injured football player by standing over him and commanding him to go play football. I dunno ... I'm pretty sure if I'm bleeding my last drop of blood, suffering through broken bones throughout my body, that if you put a hot blonde within a two-foot radius of me, I'm heading back to whatever it was I was doing before if that's what she wishes. I'm pretty sure the power of Satan isn't necessary for that.

Anyways, next up is "Anguish" ... but I'm not sure if that's the name of an actual movie or just the feeling you'll have as you realize you've been locked into a movie theater to see this godawful fare.